I Got A Letter From Lebron's Attorney

It's not just hair cuts, Lebron owns it all (satire)

Dear Sir,

It has come to our client's (King James) attention that you have been playing basketball at the civic center gymnasium in Gardendale, AL. Our client is particularly troubled by this because, as you know, he invented basketball. Even though basketball had been played before Lebron was born, he owns the copyright to 'basketball' as he clearly 're-invented the game.'

We ask that you immediately cease any and all playing of, preparing for, or thinking about the game of basketball to which Lebron James owns the rights to exclusively. Furthermore, we have specific grievances which we deem actionable:

  • Your continued playing of basketball as a 37 year old mostly out of shape white male [lunch pale amirite], infringes on our client's intellectual property as it has the potential to cause confusion among any onlookers as to whether or not it is you or Lebron James playing the game (which he invented).
  • By moving to Gardendale in July of 2017 and joining the rec, you effectively 'took your talents' to Gardendale. Our client too, has taken his talents to places and therefore owns any and all rights past and future for taking ones talents to places.
  • By suggesting your rec league team, "The Beer Belly Ballerz " will win at least one "Bunny League" title, you're infringing on our client's rights to win "not one" but upwards of 7 titles.
  • On Jan 13th, 2018, our private investigator observed you missing a mid range jump shot in the waning minutes of the rec league title game. Our client owns any and all rights to both poor performance in title games as well as avoiding possession of the ball when any game is on the line.
  • And finally, we are well aware of your continued reading of the Bible. Even though your preference for the ESV translation would seemingly not infringe on our client's rights to compensation, everyone knows the only 'real' translation is the King James version. And as you can clearly see, our client's name is "King James" - so obvious ownership of any Bibles printed throughout history or in the future belongs to our client, including original manuscripts.

Should you wish to reach us in person, you will find us at [address redacted] Nashville, TN on April 14th for our deposition of a Mr. Al Gore in a separate legal matter involving our client and his ongoing dispute with Mr. Gore regarding the invention of the internet. (Our client used the internet once to do a bing search of "people who think MJ was better than Lebron" and has commandeered ownership of the internet in an attempt to 'set the record straight')."

This is obviously satire, please don't sue us Lebron If you're curious about the original legal matter in question, you can read all about it.